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The Old Woman Who Sold Her Soul To The Devil

The Old Woman Who Sold Her Soul To The Devil

A traditional joke/story by Stanley Robertson

With thanks to Tocher,

The School of Scottish Studies Archives,

University of Edinburgh

There was this old spinster an she was aafa crabbit an she bade by hersel. And she never hed nae friends and the only thing she hed wis this big black cat. Oh, an this big black cat wis aa wey wi her, ye ken. And the folk in the toon aa thocht she wis a witch because she was that uncivil to the folk, and, och, she wisnae worth nothin really.

But the Devil came til her one day. “Ye know,” he says, “you’re wastin your time here,” he says. “You’d be better comin with me an let me give ye some wishes,” he says, “because your life’s so dull, you’ve did nothin.”

She says, “I know,” she says, “but people’s made me like this. It’s just the way I am,” she says. “I don’t have a husband, I don’t have good looks, and nobody likes me, an,” she says, it’s just the way I am,” she says. “I’ve naething to be happy about.”

So the Devil says til her, “Well,” he says, “if ye sell yir soul tae me, A’ll give ye three wishes. Three wishes and ye could have plenty of friends to ”

She says, “I don’t want friends. I’ve never liked friends. I don’t want to make friends with anybody,” she says, “but A’ll take the three wishes an A’ll make the bargain wi ye.”

So she maks this bargain wi the Devil. Fan her time comes she’ll go to Hell wi him… but she would have a long, long life in Earth. An she says, “”I’d” – she wouldnae be disturbed by naebody, ye ken, she’d hev peace an quietness.

So he says, “I’m goin to give ye yir three wishes.” He says, “Now what are they?”

She says, “Well, firstly,” she says, “I want to be young an beautiful. I want to be the beautifullest creature ‘at’s walked the face of the Earth.”

So she gets made intil this lovely creature. She looks in the mirror an oh, she’s jist a pure Marilyn Monroe, ye ken, really beautiful. Oh, ye couldna have gotten a bonnier woman.

And she says, “I want to live in a beautiful castle on a hill, everything that I need, my food, my clothes … But I don’t want no friends or ‘at,” she says. “If A got servants I dinna see them.” She jist wants to be with hersel. And she said, “I don’t want to see anybody because I don’t like people. An I want just tae be on… ken, without anybody ‘at I don’t like,” . . . she says.

The Devil says, “But A thought you’d have liked a man.”

She says, “Oh, yes,” she says, “I want a man. Yes, I do want a man, she says, “but my man – I want ma big Tom (the cat). I’ve aye loved my big Tom, but I want ye tae make him this handsomest young dark-haired curly-locked man.”

An ‘e Devil grants her her wish. An it was ‘se handsomest fella ‘at ever walked the earth came in.

An she says, “Oh, this is really good,” she says, ’cause the wish was… but she wants no interruptions fae outside . . .

An the Devil says, “Well, that’s your three wishes.” So … her an this handsome laddie they dine and wine, and they dance an they listen to beautiful music. An it comes fir night. An they come to make love, ye ken, in their bed. So she dresses in her most beautiful gown, she’s her expensive perfumes an she lets her hair lang. An she looks in the mirror an she says, “A’m so gorgeous.” An she looks at the lad. An the lad puts oot the light. An she says, “Oh, he’s so gorgeous. A’ve got everything an nothing could be happier!”

So she gings into the bed wi the fella and . . . She starts to cuddle an kiss him. An he says, “There’s only one thing A would like to say tae ye.”

An she says, “What’s that, darling?” she says.

“Remember the time ye took me to the vet, many years ago…?!”

(Laughs)

To listen to the audio go to: http://www.tobarandualchais.co.uk/fullrecord/65452/1